Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
