Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
