That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize