Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
