I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
