Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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