i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
We left an ass print on the piano.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
