And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
