Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
