I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
