Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
