She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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