My cat gives me a boner
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
