I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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