The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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