Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
