I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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