Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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