it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
