i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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