so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
