im about as happy as oj after his trial
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
