Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
