I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
