Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
