and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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