my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Randomize
