1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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