he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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