happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
