I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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