did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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