I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
