The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Randomize
