from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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