Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
