and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
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This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
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I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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