I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
