my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
