my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
