If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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