Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
