What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
