I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
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