at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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