After last night, I could never be a politician.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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