I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
