I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Is Oprah even human
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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