Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
