i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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