I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
