Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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