just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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