he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
