ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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