We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
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I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
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I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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