Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
