Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
