I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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